14. Somehow. You've been a menace for 14 straight years now and nobody's done anything about it.

I'll keep this short, because neither of us wants the alternative. You blame lag for everything, you call yourself the GOAT about 400 times a day, and you cheat at every board game in this house. You're loud, you never stop going on about your rank, and you're kind of the worst.

You're also not bad to have around. That's the nicest thing I'm saying all year, so screenshot it.

Happy birthday. Go top the scoreboard, throw some hands in the ring, and try not to let any of it go to your head.

Love you. Don't make it weird.
Alex